Old

As of Thursday I’m 38 years old, odd to think. Didnt realize til today that it was 10/11/12! I had a low key birthday, went to my mens group, had a normal work day (maybe a little slack-ier than I normally would have been) and then pizza and beer and my girls. Bed by 9:30pm.  I could think of no better celebration. J. and I are actually also taking next weekend for an overnight in the city (dinner @ Obelisk, again) which I’m looking forward to.

But I find myself in a good place at 38. For now, a good work/life balance.  A (mostly) healthy family. My  brother and his family close by, which is a blessing.  Old friends who I treasure, and as Annika starts school the prospect of new ones as well. Would be nice to win the lottery of course, but we’re comfortable at least.

When I first got married, I had to go through an adjustment. It wasn’t doubt or anything about J.  , but more in the overt philosophical shift between seeking and not. There’s a certain stance I took toward the world when I was single, a sense of potentiality of over encounter. At the time I had reread “Lonesome Dove”, so I had a strong visual of literally hanging up my spurs. Of giving up the idea of going over the next hill to see what *might* be there, and deciding to setup my homestead where I was at. And shortly after that I realized that there’s as much wonder in planting something and watching it grow as there is in ranging. To take that analogy further, as I watch the girls grow up (all too quickly) is a wonder about how these beings exist.  And a wonder that I’m firmly on the other side of that divide – I can’t imagine doing anything BUT what I’m doing.

I’m remarkably unfazed (well, right now) on approaching the big 40. I can remember feeling quite panicky on approaching 30, mostly because I had a particular idea on where my life should have been by then. But growing older has meant letting go of my notions of myself, and all the labels and conditions and roles that either had been given to me or I had imposed upon myself.

 

 

 

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