It’s funny (not ha ha, but interesting) that I haven’t searched for my own name on the net in many years. It’s funny because I fancy myself as being more than proficient in finding information on the web through various sources, especially personal information. I tracked a guy once a friend was starting to date based on a first name and a profession – sadly, finding out information she was never told. (In another life I might have been a private eye- complete with wisecracking and a fedora and a sassy, mouthy, buxom secretary with a heart of gold. But I digress.)
My first name actually *means* unique, and it’s different enough that in the early days of the net (I’m talking NCSA Mosaic browser times, when Yahoo was a directory of links and Google wasn’t a verb) , I was one of the few Maulik Shah out there. But recently I had reason to look on the Virginia case information and found that while I have no traffic or court records in the system (any speeding tickets have dropped off), there are at least 6 other “Maulik Shah”‘s in the state of Virginia, only differing by middle names. That surprised me – it’s not even a common name in India, but 6 others? Then I searched on Google, and found that my name comes nowhere in the first 10 pages. Plenty of Maulik Shah’s, but almost all of them are doctors or serious technology professionals.
Even the “Mo Shah” search doesn’t return me in any of the first 10 pages either. The Mo Shah’s tend to be less professional than the Maulik’s – artists and bloggers and critics of various types.
Put in Maulik Mo Shah (together) and I do come up in the first couple of slots. But its a pretty specific search.
There was a time that this would have been upsetting. I had a distinct drive when I was much younger that my goal in life was to be remembered in the history books some way. Some achievement, some worthy accomplishment or discovery. I remember plastering my bedroom walls with whatever certificates and awards I earned – a reminder to myself and others of evidence of worth. These days I almost feel the opposite – that the idea that in two generations its unlikely anyone will even know who I was is a concept that feels freeing as opposed to troublesome. Maybe my ego is more solid that I no longer need to feel that external validation. (Not *completely* true, but definitely truer than it was.) Men in particular get caught up in having to prove their worth somehow – in money, prestige or physical prowess – and primarily through competition. I’m not immune to that urge, but not held sway by it. And once you see it – how much of behavior and conversation is predicated on people asserting or proving their worth in some way – it’s interesting to look past the peacocking to the latent vulnerability underneath.
Meanwhile, I am not particularly worried about being visible on the net, but I’m not working to remain anonymous either. This blog, my FB, my IG and now my Blue Sky account is evidence enough. I suppose if I was running something or particularly concerned with employability (might always be the case in the future) that will change, but I’ve nothing to particularly hide. (Although I’m probably most candid on BS right now.)