A rare public post.
Been focusing more on self-care this past week. My previous tactic of trying to avoid and ignore the noise, the news and what was going on suffered a catastrophic failure sometime last week. I think the cumulative effect of it was to be in overwhelm for a day or so, and the subsequent flood of cortisol flooded into other parts of my life, perturbing everything in both predictable and non predictable ways. It’s good that I don’t fully trust my brain (none of us should fully trust them- they are feckless creatures). Long practice has allowed me to (inelegantly at times maybe) create separation between myself and my (sometimes stuck) thoughts, which is the cracked open door that’s necessary for insight. A combination of circumstance and increased maturity compels me to look at and revise certain stories. In some instances to a more black and white judgement, in other cases to a more sophisticated and nuanced one.
In any case I am actually trying to find graytitude for this past week. Not for the actual events of course, but for the perturbation and the things its shaken loose. For the opportunity to respond. For the mirror it holds up to me, and the light it shines on how other people are responding. It’s a shit show right now, but the only way out in the end is to go through. Joseph Campbell says the cave you are afraid to enter is where the treasure lies. And it feels like going through this dark tunnel will lead to good things, eventually.
It’s all painful, barr none. There are actual occasions that I want to chuck out all the growth and go back 25+ years to a time where my operating strategy was more compartmentalized. It was functional. But that’s about it – it affords none of the synergy or power than an integrated life does. The risk of it is well worth the reward. I still perform well from the outside when times like this happen, it’s just that I’ve lost the ability, habit, and inclination to lock the painful stuff away.
Again, the only way out is through.
So I woke up this morning feeling a bit more resolved than I have been in some time. Had dinner with a couple of friends yesterday, one that I’ve known since high school and the other 20+ years. We only see each other a couple of hours every month or two, and often talk about current events or technology or the things I think of as “small talk”. As I’ve grown older I’ve gravitated toward people that are willing to be more introspective and talk about things at a deeper level. Still, I shared some of what I want to do this year and it felt good to be heard. I saw Marsha earlier this week (she definitely likes to share meaningfully), and conversations with her are the perfect combination of listening and challenging. I made it to my new men’s group last weekend after a few weeks absence, and it was a great experience. Jyotsna came home and while we haven’t had a chance to really reconnect through the jetlag and daily life, I’m so grateful she’s back.
Genuine connections save me from myself.
Part of the issue this week is my workout schedule. With J away and my trainer being sick, we havent hooked up in a little while. The shoulder is slowly getting better though, so I am hopeful I’ll be back lifting heavier again soon. I’m also down to my lowest weight since probably sophomore year of college.
I restarted my writing, including posting in my parenting blog. An acquaintance of mine and I had breakfast during the holidays, and he mentioned in passing that he missed reading those posts. It was the push I needed to rethink starting that up. I also am restarting my fiction writing- I stopped 15 years ago after Annika was born despite getting a couple of things published, and it’s time to go back to that process with more mature eyes. I’m going to a Moth story slam later this month with a view of maybe putting myself out there. (I already have the story, too).
I have a tattoo artist picked out (I think, serendipity sent me her name from two different sources so I think synchronicity applies). After talking with G&M yesterday I actually revamped my idea of what I want and it feels right. I’m actually really excited about it now, and I think the design will allow for future expansion.
I have started (well, two days in) a gratitude practice. It helps to focus on what I have vs what I don’t have. I know SO many people deeply and personally affected by the events of the last two weeks. The downstream effects have yet to be realized, and there will be more actions taken that will send even more shockwaves, I guarantee it. The courts may catch some of this (might not, I don’t have faith).
Joined Bluesky (profile here), and intend to be more vocal on there. It’s a dangerous time to be vocal (I know so many people leaving Meta sites altogether), and if you don’t believe that you’re extremely naive. By the way did you know that the 3rd largest undocumented immigrant after Mexico and Guatemala is India? My experience after 9/11 was bad enough (being spit on in public, “random stops”), I expect it to be as bad or worse now. But I am economically privileged (compared to most) and even though I’m brown (and willing to bet that in the coming administration I will be stopped for “my papers”) it’s important to speak up. Primarily because there are other people out there that cannot. Whether they have no voice or they are in mortal fear to speak it. But secondarily, I am aware that my kids are watching. And there will be a time in the future where people will be asked “So what did YOU do when this happened?” and I want to be able to say I did more than sit back and watch.
I think about what my stated theme has been for this year: creative destruction and focusing my efforts on the things that serve and are important to me. I’ve talked about cutting off the things that dont work plenty, but the idea is that it leaves room for important things to breathe, and for new seeds to germinate. The risk is over pruning though – don’t want to throw out the baby with the bathwater (mixing metaphors, sue me I’m tired.)